October 5th, exactly one year since I took my first positive pregnancy test, when I found out I was going to be a mom. I was so excited and happy and scared and all of those emotions together felt so great. It has been a year of the best days of my life, and also the worst. Today is also 5 months now since the day Kayla's body left mine.
I don't really have a lot to say, but I do feel the need to acknowledge these dates. Sometimes I still have that feeling of disbelief that the past year's events actually took place, actually happened to ME. But I am also far enough along in the grief process where I can look back at this time last year and be happy for the memories I have of being pregnant, the anticipation of what our lives were going to be like. Of course it didn't turn out the way we wanted or thought that it would, but occasionally I can have a few good moments of remembering.
For so long I have only been able to remember the tragedy. I visualize the moment I saw her still body on the ultrasound and knew she had died, or the words I spoke on the phone as I told my husband her heart had stopped. But today I can visualize the moment I rolled over in bed and told my husband I ws pregnant, and how we just lay there smiling for awhile.
It is really bittersweet, but it's better than just feeling sorrow and anger.
Once all these dates start coming back can be so rough! Thinking of you and Kayla today especially. Today is 5 months for you and 10 for me, it just doesn't seem possible! Hoping the day is easy on you.
ReplyDeleteWhat a difference a year makes, huh?! Sending you positive vibes - and thanks for your previous comment on my blog. I also sent you a message on baby center.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and Kayla today. Much love and hugs.
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