one month old

Tomorrow, the 27th, Livia will be one month old.  Time is passing by so quickly--compared to one month of grief, or one month of pregnancy after stillbirth, one month of life with a baby is so much better.  It really feels like I just got discharged from the hospital yet here we are a whole month later.

Livia is definitely ruler and queen of the house.  We have a little routine down and she is a fairly easy baby who tolerates going to restaurants, the grocery store and the park.  She has been sleeping great the past week, partly because I've been letting her nurse herself to sleep and sleep next to me (we are in the extra bed in her room, my husband has our bed all to himself..I have high hopes that one day we will sleep together again!)  I have very mixed feeling about this, because while it seems to be what's working best for our family right now, in the back of my head I know that many people do not recommend co-sleeping (people being doctors I guess).  I don't like the idea of breaking any "rules" with her, because WHAT IF SHE DIES?  What if I do something wrong and she dies?  I know this is the fallout of actually having a child who died, and I know that it really isn't up to me whether Livia lives or dies.  I'm taking really good, careful care of her and doing the best that I can.  That has to be enough.

Tomorrow I'll probably breathe a small sigh of relief or satisfaction for having made it through one month of life.  Sometimes I still can't believe that she made it here safely, that I'm holding her in my arms.  And yet, like most parents say, I can't imagine not knowing her, can't imagine what our family was like before she was here.  I know that we are not guaranteed another day together as a family.  We are tentatively making plans for Halloween, for Christmas.  It feels good, to be hopeful and able to plan for the future.  We know it's not guaranteed, but we can plan with hope.  

(almost) one month old!