running into people at the grocery store and other misc.

• It always amazes me how good I look in pictures that were taken before Kayla died.  I was flipping through some pictures of my trip to Brazil that I took in 2010 to meet my in-laws, after we got married but before we started trying to conceive.  I look so happy and young!  I love looking at pictures from before I knew such great grief.  I wonder what it would be like to have that grief lifted for just one day, how it would feel?  

• My mom came to visit this weekend.  It was nice to have extra hep for a few days.  We went to the grocery store without the baby yesterday, while my husband watched her.  We ran into a girl I went to high school with, which is unusual because I live six hours away from where I grew up.  She had a little girl with her, who I already knew was close to Kayla's age.  During our short conversation she shared that she is pregnant again, and that she will probably pay for it later, since they will be only 22 months apart.  Just one of those average, kind of awkward conversations that you have with someone you haven't seen in 10 years and that you were never that close to in the first place. When we walked away my mom asked me why I hadn't told her that I have a 3 week old baby?  I told her I wasn't sure.  But I was thinking about it later, and I think it's because I can't casually share both of my girls like the other woman can.  What I would love to be able to say is "oh, yeah, my girls are 15 months apart and it's really hard but you'll be ok." But I can't, and it still hurts me to think about babies that were born in the general season of when Kayla was born and died.  I want to be able to share my new baby with everyone, but in doing so it sometimes feel like I'm ignoring Kayla. 

• Already Livia doesn't look anything like Kayla.  Because Kayla never opened her eyes or moved or had any of the silly expressions that Livia has.  She's forever frozen in newborn, or 33-week stillborn photos.  I thought Livia would constantly remind me of Kayla, but she is very clearly her own person.  I tell her about her sister often, and hope that we can find a way to share Kayla with her as she gets older. 

• I'm hesitant to share tons of pictures on here because it's such an open website and I'm kind of worried about pictures being stolen.   However, I share tons on face. .  book because I have a closed account.  I have connected with some of you (readers) there already, but if you would like to be friends, send me an email as to how I can find you.  Only if you're a normal person and not someone creepy though!