Livia's first road trip and Kayla in my dreams

Kayla was in my dream last night, something which very rarely happens.  When Livia woke up to eat around 3, I remembered that I was dreaming about Kayla, but couldn't quite remember the details, or if I had actually seen her in the dream, but I know I woke up thinking of her.  When we went back to sleep, I vividly dreamed of her...I was in a store, pushing Livia in a shopping cart.  Someone handed me Kayla's body and I put little shoes on her and laid her in the cart too, and pushed both of my girls around.  In the dream I wanted to cover her with a blanket, so other people wouldn't think it was weird that she was dead.  Even in my dreams she is not really there, I didn't see her face, only her feet.  I don't know what to make of it other than I'm glad she was in my dream, even for a second. 

We took Livia on her first road trip over Labor Day, to visit family in my hometown.  She did great in the car, except it took us a lot longer than usual, because it was pouring rain and because we had to stop to nurse.  Once we got out of the city we stopped to get gas, nurse and get some food.  My husband insisted he was not hungry so I didn't order him anything at Wendy's.  I waited for over 10 minutes for just a sandwich and fries due to some really incompetent workers.  We had already been stopped for 30 minutes for nursing and diaper changing so I was getting frustrated.  Also, because of the rain and traffic in the city it had taken us longer to get out of the city than normal.  As we pull out of the gas station, I pull out my fries to start eating and my husband said "oh, let me have some fries."  ARE YOU KIDDING?  I was starving after gettting all of our stuff packed up and taking care of the baby....so we pulled out of the parking lot and I pulled straight into the McDonalds across the street to order some more food.  So it wasn't Livia that slowed us down really, it was lots of other things!  We did something similar on the way back...stopped to nurse and my husband saw a Mexican restaurant and decided to go order some food to go.  He came back with FAJITAS to go...a.k.a the messiest possible thing to eat in our brand new car, in the sweltering sun in the parking lot.  We should have just gone in to the restaurant--we were stopped for over an hour and it was not relaxing at all!  Anyways, It was nice to be able to introduce her to a lot of family.  She had a little meltdown on Sunday after her "meet Livia" party, where lots of relatives held her and played with her.  After they all left, she cried for 2-3 hours before finally falling asleep.  My sister was there with her 4 month old twins, so we had lots of babies around.  We tried to do some photo shoots but it is hard to get three babies to be awake at the same time and not crying! 

One of many outtakes with the babies

There were  a few significant moments that I want to note...

--Usually before we go on a trip I spend some time in front of Kayla's space and say goodbye to her, reflect and say a prayer, etc.  I was so busy packing up the car (by myself, in the rain, because my husband was at work), taking the dog to our friends' for the weekend, and getting me and Livia ready that I didn't even think about Kayla until we were well out of the city on the road.  I felt guilty and sad, because I know that our reality is shifting and we do have less time to do those things for Kayla and our grief, even though she is always close in my heart.  It's the same feeling I had when I realized that yesterday marked 16 months since Kayla's birth, and I didn't even notice until late in the day.  It's ok, I know my grief will transition and change as time goes by. 

--I always get very reflective when we are pulling into my hometown.  Maybe I'm just tired after the 6 hour trip.  I had so many emotions...very happy to have Livia in the backseat and be returning to share our joy with those that love us.  But so sad that the reason we know such deep joy right now is because we also know the deep grief and sorrow.  In the low moments, it just all seems so unfair (still, always), and I know the numbers will NEVER add up, there will always be one little girl missing from our family.

--Then, alternately, I have moments of true peace and contentment.  Laying in bed at my parent's house, with my sweet Livia next to me, I felt a sense of well-being and happiness that I haven't felt in a long, long time.  The stress of pregnancy is behind me and I can focus on taking care of this little one.  All is as it should be.  These two opposite emotions--feeling like nothing will ever be ok, and then suddenly feeling as if everything is ok--are hard to reconcile.  And makes it hard to explain to other people when they take the time to ask how I am doing emotionally. 

My 5 week-old sweetie