one week of life

Livia is one week old already.  I haven't had time to sit down and write, between taking care of her and we have family visiting, so I haven't had any time to myself.  But, I have so many emotions I need to work out through journaling.  I am the happiest I have ever been.  One week after Kayla's birth was probably the lowest point of my life, when reality was setting in that my baby would never get to be a baby, that I would never get to do anything else for her.  I have to say, it's wonderful to be on the other side, to have a healthy baby here in my arms (well, laying on my lap, hopefully to stay asleep for a few hours!).  To get to take care of her and look into her eyes and watch her change, is the most wonderful thing.  Better than I ever could have imagined.

I love getting to know her.  I look into her eyes and wonder what she is thinking about.  I hold her as much as possible.  That first night in the hospital, after 12 hours of intense labor that ended in a c-section (I will write her birth story as soon as I can), I stayed up all night holding her and watching her.  I didn't want her to go to the nursery or even put her in the bassinet at my side.  I wanted to watch her breathe.  I think part of me was scared that something would happen to her, that it would all be torn from me again.  But, she kept breathing.  And eating.  And crying.  She's a normal, healthy baby.  What a miracle.  I am so grateful for this week, for every second I've had with her.  I am not as paranoid as I thought I'd be, that fear that she might die at any moment has subsided.  Instead I'm just grateful.

Of course I'm on the "normal" post-partum hormone roller-coaster so there is sadness, and fear, and exhaustion.  I sit and nurse my perfect baby  while her sister's urn sits on the shelf across the room.  That should not be our reality.  Kayla is with us, her life is shaping how I parent Livia.  But our family feels so whole and complete with Livia here, I haven't been able to connect to my grief over Kayla that much.  It will come, with time.  I will figure out how to honor Kayla while parenting Livia.  I see little glimpses of Kayla in Livia, and I love that they are connected.

Aside from the emotional stuff, we are doing well.  Livia is healthy and has been gaining weight as expected.  She is nursing great.  She sleep most of the day and is awake at night, but I"ve been able to nap a lot during the day with her thanks to my mom and dad and brother (and husband of course!)  I am slowly healing from the c-section, which was much harder on my body than Kayla's vaginal birth.  I feel like I'm a mess and still not like myself.  I'm also annoyed because I gave birth to an 8 lb 14 oz baby plus fluid and placenta and yet have only lost THREE pounds.  I'm hoping it's still fluid from the c-section, otherwise I have a REALLY long weight-loss road ahead of me.

It feels so good to sit down and write!  After Kayla, I started this blog mostly for me, because typing is easier than writing in a journal.  But I've come to rely on this community for so many things, so it means so much to be able to share with all of you.  We recieved so many comments and emails of encouragement leading up to Livia's birth, and each one lifted me up and helped me get through those stressful days--THANKS!

And now, for some pictures...