Just kind of sad right now. Actually today was a great day...Livia slept for six hours straight last night (!!!) so I am well-rested, we went to lunch with a great friend and co-worker who let me vent about my dilemma of whether or not to return to work (haven't decided yet), Livia turned over on her play mat today, I did laundry, cooked dinner and cleaned up the house. Like I said, a great day!
Maybe because it was such a great day, that tonight the sadness hit me..the good times highlight everything we missed with Kayla, everything we will always miss. One of my friends who lost her son just posted a picture of him on face.book and it made me wish more than ever that I wasn't a part of this community. I mean, I'm glad she posted his picture and I'm so grateful for all of the people I have met who have helped me along this sad journey. BUT, with that being said, it sucks. It's a stupid journey and I don't want to always be part of this category of people who don't mind seeing pictures of dead babies, who actually display them in our homes and love them and have urns sitting on our dressers. Every once in awhile I still just feel really sorry for myself. I didn't do anything wrong and my daughter died. Probably everyone reading this understands exactly how horrible that is, and how unfair it is.
And, I'm kind of mad at myself because I wish I were the kind of person that shared Kayla more openly with people in my real life. There are many people who I know who probably don't even know her name. I don't post her pictures, I usually don't correct people when they call Livia my first daughter. I don't even bring her up that much anymore to people that I used to share openly with. It makes me sad, it makes me feel far away from her.
I realize how lucky I am to have Livia here, and to have all of these new joys and responsibilities. I have to live in my reality, that includes one daughter who died, and one who lived.
Rachel, I wish neither one of us needed to be part of this club. I wish Kayla and Grace could have met at Mom and Tot yoga or something fun and normal like that. As you said it sucks, and the suckiness never stops. All of us in the BLM community know how much you love Kayla and that Livia has a big sister who is so, so proud of her. That being said if you feel like you want to share Kayla more IRL, then do it, but keeping her private or just on line in no way means that you don't love her and miss her and are so proud to call her your daughter. Hoping for a more gentle day for you tomorrow.
ReplyDeleteI hate to say I know how you feel, but I do.
ReplyDeleteI still struggle using Alexander's name all.the.time when talking about him. I still say, "and then, well, the baby died..." and he remains nameless... And it hurts. Because I feel like I do it for the audience...if I say his name, it will shock people...he's not just "the baby" any longer... He's a real, significant, human loss that I've experienced. And they're not all used to me not saying his name all the time... I think they think I'm holding on more than I was in the beginning....
It's all just so damn hard, and unfavorable. This life. This new, unwanted life.
Sending my love, for the sad nights and beyond.