waiting room and misc.

I went to my doctor's today, for my two week post-partum 'incision check.'  I have been in that waiting room a LOT in the past two years.  Two years ago I went a little nervously, to meet my new OB and tell her we were ready to start our family.  A few months later we were back, excited to be pregnant and see our little baby on the ultrasound.  I've felt so many emotions in that waiting room since then...excitement and relaxation when I would go for my visits when I was pregnant with Kayla.  I always scheduled them in the middle of the day when I had a break at work, and I would relax and read pregnancy magazines while waiting.  Then after she died, the waiting room was excruciating; just seeing happy pregnant women and the occasional newborn was horrible.  With Livia, I often felt fear while waiting, that this would be the last time I would have a living baby inside of me, that I was going to hear bad news in a few minutes. 

Today, I sat in the waiting room with my husband and our twelve day old baby girl.  The enormity of that is not lost on me.  It was a bittersweet feeling. 

I am still slowly transitioning from a pregnancy state of mind to a parenting state of mind.  It was a true shock during the first few hours after birth.  Laying in recovery after the c-section, having just truly met my girl for the first time, the nurse put her to my breast and I realized, OH, now I have to feed her!  A few hours later, in the middle of the night, she had her first meconium diaper, and again I had the surprised feeling of OH now we have to change her.  I had been so focused on just getting her her safely and alive and healthy, I hadn't thought much about the practical and constant care of a newborn.  Of course we caught on quickly, but I'll still get that feeling of surprise sometimes.  We get to take care of her, hopefully for the rest of our lives. 

As much as I like(d) being pregnant and hope that someday I get to experience it again, it is sort of nice to NOT be pregnant and to slowly be able to focus on my body for myself again (aside from breastfeeding and constantly having a baby attached to me).  

Also, I finally started reading "The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding."  It's great!  Wish I would have started reading it from day one, when I was doubting myself.