May 1st

 I can't begin to capture what I'm feeling.  May 1st last year, was a perfect day.  It's our wedding anniversary. We were so happy and so excited and spent the whole day preparing baby stuff.  We had just started unpacking everything from our two baby showers, and I was going to really get the nursery going. 

So THE DAYS approach-May 4th, where I found out her heart had stopped in that ultrasound room.  The room that I have since re-visited 3 or 4 times in this pregnancy, but in my memories with Kayla it looms as a dark and scary, cold room.  And May 5th, the day I pushed her out and she came into this world, but at the same time had already left us. 

We have received many Kayla name pictures from family and friends, which I will organize sometime in the next week and share them here.  Each one has been a fantastic gift, to know that the people who love us also love Kayla. 

I have so much I want to say, to remember, to write down for Kayla, but I can't do that yet.  It seems too final.  I want these days to pass, think I will feel a sense of relief when they are behind me.  But at the same time it makes everything seem so final.  Processing the simple fact that her heart stopped beating and the finality of her death has taken me this whole year, and I know it will continue for years to come.  I will spend the rest of my life trying to reconcile that fact, even if the way I process it changes over the years.