Infinitely healing

"There is something infinitely healing in the repeated refrains of nature--the assurance that dawn comes after night, and spring after the winter."  -Rachel Carson

The lodge we stayed at last weekend was dedicated to conservation, nature, and most of all, trees.  It was perfect for me, and as the above quote says, "infinitely healing."  That was one of the quotes that was painted all around the impressive lobby, so I stared it at for quite awhile as we ate dinner one night.  It just felt so right, adding to my overall peace and acceptance of the passing of the one-year mark.

I wanted to write more, had dreams of taking my journal out into the forest and writing to her, getting all my words out.  But, reality being what it is, my pregnancy-induced carpal tunnel did not allow for that (writing is hard), and it was very hot outside.  I did get to reflect a lot, even if I didn't write it down.  Time keeps passing, moving forward, moving me constantly away from those dates, those emotions, sweeping me along to new joys and fears.

We did a two-three mile nature hike which was beautiful, but way too much for my out-of-shape 27-week pregnant body.  I also did something I swore I would never do on Kayla's birthday--we went out for Mexican food.  Seeing as her birthday is also 5 de mayo, I just thought I would never want to to do that.  However, we were in a VERY small town in Nebraska and had already eaten at the expensive lodge restaurant and literally the only other restaurant in the town that was not fast food was a Mexican place.  Happy 5 de mayo I guess. 

I wasn't sure how I would feel on those days, so I was very relieved to find out the weekend was actually nice.  I was sad of course, missing her.  But I was also so grateful and so glad that I wasn't where I was last year...in the hospital about to deliver my baby that had died without me knowing it.  This year I was at a beautiful lodge in the middle of nowhere in Nebraska, spending time with my husband and enjoying the surrounding hiking trails, wine tastings on the deck (for him) overlooking a hazelnut grove, swimming in the pool and sleeping a lot.  Being out in nature is so healing for me.  I had some moments of happiness to just be alive. A year later and I am proud of where I am.  I am happy again, in a new kind of way.  I continue to process my grief.  Kayla is always with me.  Of course, there are still desperate days, questioning days.  And a whole complicated layer of fear and panic related to my current pregnancy.  I'm surviving.  And living.

When we got home I was a little disappointed to find that everything was still the same, I think I was expecting a big turning point or to feel differently.  Since I've been back, my regular life keeps occupying my days and my current pregnancy distracts me from my grief.  Things are just as they are supposed to be.

I re-read "An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination"  this weekend.  She does such a good job of capturing the first year after losing her son, and her subsequent pregnancy.  I needed to read the last few lines of the book especially, which say:

"It's a happy life, but someone is missing.  It's a happy life, and someone is missing.  It's a happy life---"