I haven't really been in the mood to write lately. Now that Kayla's birthday has passed, and I made it to the third trimester with this pregnancy, I am just waiting. Trying to be patient. Checking off each day on my calendar (but only after it truly has passed, don't want to get ahead of myself). Wondering if in the next 10 weeks or so we will start the new adventure of parenting a newborn?
Today is the first day of summer break. I'll get a couple of weeks off, then do a summer school program for the month of June. Hopefully I can work from home/rest in the month of July. I've sat around all day today, aimlessly wandering around my house. There are lots of projects I want to do "before baby gets here" but I don't have the courage to start them yet. When will I feel like everything is ok? Probably never. I thought I would want to start preparing for baby once I passed Kayla's special days, or when I hit the third trimester, or when school was out for the summer. I find myself pushing back those dates...maybe I'll wait until 33 weeks and 3 days, which will make me one day past when Kayla died. Who knows. I am just not going to push myself to do anything, or prevent myself from doing baby things if that's what I feel like. None of that matters. What matters is that this baby stays alive. I will deal with everything else after she is born healthy and breathing. I am looking forward to that day--I've been waiting for it for a long, long time.
I find myself putting off the same things. Afraid to think I might actually give birth to a living baby. Shopping for baby things or "getting ready " is scary and takes a ton of courage ! Hang in there I'm right here with you.
ReplyDeleteoh that frozen feeling....I get that feeling all the time...If I just wait until ________, the date takes forever to get here and then nothing has still been accomplished. 10 weeks! 10 weeks! Oh that sounds good to me. 15 for me and it seems like an eternity from now. I hope you get to have some rest and that you find the COURAGE to get the things you want or need to accomplished.
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