third trimester

 I am so grateful to be pregnant, to have the chance to birth a living child.  But pregnancy after stillbirth is terrifying.  Now that I'm in my third trimester, everything is feeling more real and more intense.  My love and want for this baby has grown enormously and I find myself saying to her, whispering "I need you to live." 

There are more and more baby things appearing in our house.  We haven't unpacked much or moved any furniture around in the guest room/nursery, but we did purchase a bassinet, delivered to our door today.  I quickly brought it inside, almost embarrassed that my neighbors might see, might think I am actually preparing for a baby.  A few people at work have brought me baby gifts, totally unexpectedly.  I'm sure I gave them a deer-in-headlights look but hopefully I said thank you.  There are little signs and reminders popping up that a living baby might actually come live here. 

So there are little moments of excitement, anticipation.  But then the fear comes back.  I was walking in target and saw a cute onesie that said "Born in 2012."  I actually said to myself, OUT LOUD "but what if she dies in 2012?" It can't be good that I've started talking to myself in the baby aisle! 

Last night I used my doppler three times in a 2 hours span, I was convinced that something was wrong.  Then I had a very vivid, real dream that I was in the same ultrasound room as with Kayla and they printed me out a report that said her heartrate was very low and I had no amniotic fluid left.  In the dream I could see her whole outline through my belly.  I woke up in a panic, wanting to go to the hospital.  (I didn't).
 
I am now having weekly ultrasounds/biophysical profiles so I got to see her today, moving and passing the "test" with an 8/8 in less than five minutes.  Everything is ok.  My placenta is in the front so if she is in the right (wrong?!) position I can't feel most of her movements.  She probably isn't going to die.  Most babies live.  I have to keep believing these things.  The last few months are going to be emotionally exhausting, I have to accept that.  It will be worth it IF I have a healthy baby at the end of this.  That still seems so far away...I've been through all of this before, reaching the third trimester, preparing for baby, counting down the weeks, and then....nothing.  But, I know one way or another I will get to meet my daughter in less than 12 weeks.  All I can hope for is that she falls into the category of "most babies live."