fear and anxiety

I can't write that much because I have been so anxious this week.  I'm not sure why (aside from being pregnant after a stillbirth).  I've been anxious about whether everything is going ok with this pregnancy.  So far, it is.  But sometimes I just get such a sense of dread and negativity that it's hard to ignore. 

I've also been getting nervous and anxious about having an actual baby to take care of (God, please let me have a living baby this time.  Please!)  When I was pregnant with Kayla, I was so sure of myself in everything.  Exactly how I wanted my birth to go (natural, with a doula), exactly how I was going to parent (quit my job, cloth diaper, breastfeed, etc). I was so optimistic and truly believed I could do it all and be the best mother.  I'm spiritually older now, my soul is more weary.  I know that parenting won't be perfect, won't be at all like I used to believe it would be. 

I can't find my spark, I'm not living the way I want to live.  I feel guilty for that--I'm not working out as much as I said I would (in all my bargaining when I was trying to get pregnant again), I'm watching too much tv, not talking to the baby, not managing my stress.  It's building and building and I"m doing my best to push it down but I'm not managing it in any organized way.  And part of me knows I have to forgive myself for that.  I am doing ok.  I am surviving, without my daughter, with the unknowns of a subsequent pregnancy.  I am the one having to trudge through this journey of grief and hope and fear.  I just wish it wasn't so hard all the time. 

Of course I am not trying to complain about being pregnant.  This is what I want.  This is the most important thing for me.  It's just that so much of what was beautiful for me in the world died with Kayla.  I want to find that beauty again.  It comes to me in bits and pieces, and I know that naturally I will start being more and more content, and find ways to honor Kayla that aren't always sad.  I can choose to "move on."  Not forget her or stop loving her, but to move past her death. 

I wrote a lot for not having much to say!  I will close with a Bible verse that stood out to me this week, as a good reminder to myself that I already have a place of refuge and safety in my faith, that I don't have to manage this anxiety all alone. 

"He alone is my refuge, my place of safety, he is my God, and I am trusting him."  Psalm 91:  1-4