My anxiety reached a very high level last week (last time I posted) but then it tapered off. I'm back to a normal level of anxiety and am now nervously awaiting my next ultrasound next Monday. I think part of my anxiety last week was because I had hurt my knee and so I was walking differently, which caused back pain and made me think something was going wrong. But my knee is better now and I'm feeling pretty good, after a weekend visiting with my family and today I was even able to go buy a present for a baby boy that was just born last night.
I got a phone call from his mom yesterday morning, she was 38+ weeks pregnant. She is Brazilian and was confused about something her doctor told her, since English isn't her first language. Then she casually mentioned she was bleeding bright red blood. Immediately my heart sank and I told her she should go to the hospital. Of course I thought placental abruption, some other accident, death. I asked her if she had felt the baby moving and she said she hadn't really been paying attention. On the one hand, I'm glad she called me, because she was acknowledging my pregnancy and my birth experience and coming to me for advice. I liked that. But on the other hand, it really reinforced how different my reality is from people who have not had a baby die inside of them. She was bleeding and hadn't felt movement, but she wasn't scared! And of course he was born, alive and healthy, like most babies are. I'm so glad that he is ok, but I still had a "why me" moment when I saw his picture posted on facebook. It is also so hard for me to imagine my current pregnancy ending with a living baby. I try to imagine it but it feels more like a daydream than a reality.
Missing my Kayla today, wishing I could spend this day off work with her, playing or cuddled up on the couch.
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