It's the 4th

9 months ago we found out Kayla had died.  Today I'm sick--just a normal cold, but feeling bad anyways.  I ran to the grocery store at 8 am to stock up on popsicles, chicken soup and juice, so I could spend the rest of the day just taking care of myself.  It was raining and right before I got out of my car, in the cool quiet of a gray Saturday morning, it hit me.  All of it.  I wish I had a 9 month old here with me that would prevent me from laying on the couch all day.  I can't even imagine what my life would be like if she had lived.  All I can imagine is pregnancy, hope, and then death and grief. 

I'm glad I can spend today letting my sickness run its course, but I really just long for a glimpse of what our lives could have been, what we thought they were going to be.  So I'll take this rainy day to just remember her.