11 weeks

When we were in Florida, I was very aware of how quiet it was.  My grandparents have a condo there and I've been going to the same place every year since I was a kid.  I've always dreamed of taking my own kids there and it was so strange to just be there alone with my husband.  I cried when we saw the ocean for the first time.  After two long days of driving we went there at night right after we arrived.  It was already dark, the waves were loud and high.  I always have a few moments of reverence when I see the ocean for the first time after a long stretch of being in the Midwest.  As I raced down and put my feet in the cold water, I just said "Kayla, are you here?"  out loud, to myself, without even thinking about it.  To the roaring waves.  Then I cried.  I didn't realize how much I've been searching for her, wanting a sign or some tangible clue as to where she is.

Are you here?  It's a complicated question.  I believe she is all around, her spirit is with God and nature.  But I don't necessarily believe she is floating nearby and watching over us all the time.  But it was a special moment that made me feel connected to her for a small second.  As more time passes I'm able to think of other things, and especially now that I have to dedicate a lot of my energy to the stress of this new pregnancy, I feel like Kayla is very far away from me sometimes.  I know I will never forget her but I do worry that as the years pass we will not give her the attention I feel she deserves.  So any moment that connects me back to her is important.

Today I'm 11 weeks pregnant.  I think everything is going ok, but then again I thought everything was going great with Kayla right up until the ultrasound tech told me she didn't see a heartbeat.  So I have to take it day by day.  I finally told one person I know in real life, my friend Becky who has been present with me and my grief and never shies away from the tough moments.  My next doctor's appointment is on Jan. 24th and even though it's not that far away, it feels like an eternity.  Hopefully by Christmas next year, we will be planning a trip to Florida with our living baby and our lives won't feel so quiet.