grateful and hopeful today

I know that time WILL keep passing and eventually it will be August 3rd.  Will I have a living baby by then?  I hope so.  Today especially I have felt myself getting attached to this baby and not just happy in general about being pregnant again.  Kayla and this baby are my kids--it isn't just "the pregnancy" anymore, it's my next baby.  So I'm praying a strange, dual prayer.  The first and constant is 'please help this baby live.'  The second is 'please take him/her now if he/she isn't meant to survive, before I fall more in love.'  That is a hard thought, because I would be devastated if anything happens to this baby, but it seems more and more unfair the farther along I get.  So, if it's not going to work out, I need to know (understood, God??).

I'm doing everything right, being so careful.  But I did everything right with Kayla too.  I couldn't have loved her any more or any deeper than I did (and do).  And it wasn't enough to save her. I can't do anything better or differently than I did last time.  I hate that--I'm not in control.  I'm learning about surrender.  And faith.  There are many moments when fear takes over, but that is a wasted emotion.  I can't live in fear, even though sometimes that feels like the comfortable spot.  What if I could live in faith instead, and let whatever is going to happen, just happen? And deal with it when it does, whether good or bad?

Today, while feeling my first little glimmer of hopeful excitement for this baby, my first feeling that it might actually turn out differently this time, I've also felt grateful for my life and all of the richness I have.  My family, friends, my marriage... I think I'm in an acceptance stage with Kayla's death.  Where I'm happy for the time I had with her alive inside of me and grateful for the short moments I spent with her on earth, as our paths crossed for only a short time in this life.

I still do have some regrets, some guilt, anger, how can I not?  It is impossible to live a whole life with my daughter in two hours in a hospital room.  But I also have fond (for lack of a better word) memories, precious moments where I held her and cuddled her and told her how much I loved her.  Grateful.