Meeting with the genetics counselor at the perinatologists was strange. To them, we are 'low risk' for everything. I am relatively young (27), healthy, no genetic conditions in my family or my husbands. The teratoma wasn't genetic. There is "no chance" that it will happen again. Everyone keeps telling me that, like it's supposed to make me feel better. But I don't care if there is 99.9% chance that it won't happen again. It happened to Kayla.
The doctor doing the ultrasound said that when I come back for my level 2 ultrasound at 20 weeks they would be able to detect a teratoma. It makes me so sad to know that if anyone had suspected a problem, we could have had more information last time. I accept that Kayla wasn't supposed to live in the world. I have to. But it doesn't mean that I still don't dream about a different outcome. So it hurts. It feels like it is easy for other people to cast aside Kayla's life, since she had a 'birth defect' or a 'malformation.' The genetics counselor even said "Ok, let's go look at your HEALTHY baby" as we went back to the ultrasound room. Emphasis on healthy. I think she was trying to make me feel better, but it made me start crying. Because it's still hard for me to accept that Kayla wasn't healthy. In my mind she was. She was perfect. Maybe because we had 32 weeks of "normal pregnancy, healthy baby" and the shock of no heartbeat was so great.
But, aside from all of my internal anxiety and emotions, so far this baby is healthy. That gives me hope. My husband got to see the baby, and the baby was wiggling all around. It was an emotional day.
In the afternoon I forced myself to follow through on a promise I had made--that if everything looked ok at the 12 week ultrasound, I would buy one small thing for this baby, as a sign of confidence in the pregnancy. To make it more real, to have something that is just his/hers and not something that I had bought for Kayla. It was so, so, strange to be back in the baby section. Of course I went straight to the baby girl stuff. My brain still had to catch up--I was not shopping for our long-awaited baby girl. This is a different baby. There is basically no gender-neutral stuff, but I bought a gray onesie with a crab on it. I really hope I get to dress a baby in it this time.
Yesterday I got the call back---our test results were in. Good news, she said. We are low risk for Down's Syndrome and Trisomy 18. That's great, but they're just numbers.
My parents are visiting this weekend, maybe I will tell them I am pregnant. A few people at work have shared their pregnancies with me (at 4 weeks and 8 weeks, so they are not as far along as I am) and it would be so easy to just say oh, me too. But I don't. I don't want to, because I know I will get hurt as people do not understand how terrifying this is.
Oh gosh, how scary this all must be for you. Congrats on the results from your screening. That's a relief at least.
ReplyDeleteWe also went through genetic testing and it really gave us no relief. Yeah, so we're low risk, it still happened, right?!
Stay strong! I'm pulling for you. Your strength gives me strength to potentially try again one day.
Yep, sounds familiar. We bought a little toy to mark getting through the first trimester, and now a little rattle to mark 4 months pregnant. Tiny leaps of faith, I guess. Congrats on good test results so far.
ReplyDelete"Low risk" makes me scoff. Once you are apart of the minority you always feel like it's a possibility. Why Kayla, why Addison, why any of our precious babies?!?! Logic says these babies we carry will be born alive and well, but logic went out the window with the loss of our girls. We can't help, but worry, it is what it is. With that being said, I love that you bought this baby something of it's very own. Afterall we never would have tried again if we didn't have some kind of hope somewhere! Hopefully telling your parents will go just how you need.
ReplyDeleteI totally understand your reluctance to share (and I feel the same way). I like the idea of buying something small to show your confidence. I haven't been able to do that yet, but maybe one of these days. I also understand your reaction to the tests--I'm always worried something is wrong, then a test or scan will show that everything is fine (so far) and then I think, well, that doesn't mean anything because everything was fine at this point with Eliza! Such mindgames we play against ourselves. Wishing you the best of luck, and a baby to dress in that onesie.
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to stop by and let you know I am thinking of you. I think it might be good to tell your parents and have them there to share in your everything...joy, fear, excitement, hesitation. You will know if it's the right time or not.
ReplyDeleteGlad everything is ok so far - breathe in breathe out and take it one day at a time!