Last year on January 21st, we had our 18-week ultrasound and found out that we were going to have a healthy baby girl. That was the last time we saw her alive. I have replayed that day so many times in my mind, wondering why the ultrasound tech didn't see her tumor growing? It took two tries to find out the sex--was it because there was tumor tissue already forming? It is just one of many things I have had to reconcile--the tumor cells were there from the very beginning but even at 18 weeks weren't detected by ultrasound. With this pregnancy I will pretty much have an ultrasound at every appointment. It is frustrating to think that Kayla had to die in order for me to get this extra care. But this is sounding more bitter and blaming than I am feeling.
What I am really remembering, or trying to remember, is how excited we were as we left the doctor's office last year. A GIRL! I had thought all along that Kayla was a boy, so a girl took us some getting used to. My life looks and feels so different than it did last year at this time. Who was that happy, innocent person? Feeling that happy and content is a distant memory. I get nostalgic for the person I used to be. Not that I don't have contentment and happiness in my life now, because I DO (amazing really, that I can feel happy and content at times less than a year after losing my daughter), but I miss being naive.
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