What I am doing to calm my fears tonight

Reminding myself...

• Writing helps.  So does cleaning, it keeps me occupied. So does creating.   I set up my 'art table' in my basement today and messed around with some paints and some collage stuff I've been wanting to work on. 
• I miss Kayla every day and want to honor her in the way I live every day.
• This baby is alive right now.  I already love him/her and want him/her to feel that intense love.
• Telling people about this pregnancy does not make me naive and it will not change the outcome.
• I am 12 weeks pregnant.  Nothing more, nothing less.  I don't want to with the time away.

My fear is great.  I'm trying to grieve for my daughter and at the same time I'm trying to be hopeful for new baby.  How do I do both at the same time?  No one can tell me how, or even really help me through it.  I have to do it, even though I don't know how.  I want to be hopeful and joyful and celebrate this pregnancy.  But I don't know how to do that.  Having faith is not enough for me right now.  I can't feel movement yet, and I can't pick up the heartbeat on my home doppler, so I have nothing to reassure me that everything is going ok.  Even two weeks between doctor's appointments is too much.   So, I'm searching for any way to calm myself down today.  So I'm writing and listening to music and enjoying my new art space.