My husband and I looked at each other a few minutes ago and said "Well, we survived." When we woke up this morning Kayla was the first thing on my mind. I stared out the window for a few moments in the quiet guest bedroom at my parents' house and saw blue skies. The house was quiet--too quiet. What if she had lived? What if we had a squirmy 7 month old here waking up for her first Christmas? But we got up, we had breakfast at my Grandma's, we opened presents, played games. We spent too much time looking at the dog and laughing.
We survived Christmas without Kayla. I did ok, but my sadness is right under the surface...I wonder if other people can see it? I didn't do anything special for Kayla, except we had a stone engraved that we gave to my parents for her garden that they started in the summer. But I am too sad, too confused to DO anything beautiful or productive. Just surviving these days is enough.
Last Christmas we were so excited, dreaming about how this year we would have a baby in our family. This year everyone was more somber, but still excited about my sister's twins. Even we are starting to get a little excited and hopeful. We did not share our pregnancy news with anyone, it did not feel right. I can't dare to make myself think that next Christmas we may have our (living) baby.
Tomorrow we are leaving for a vacation and it will be a nice break. Merry Christmas to all of my fellow babyloss parents. I am so grateful to have this outlet for my grief and to have met so many wonderful people who are on the same journey.
Sounds like you had a lovely Christmas. You got through it and made the best of it. I think that's enough! Have a great vacation and be kind to yourself!!
ReplyDeleteI am glad to hear you were able to get through the day and find some enjoyment. I hope the coming year brings you joy.
ReplyDeleteRachel, I hope you had a wonderful, relaxing and peaceful holiday. May 2012 bring you great joys and happiness.
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