I was nervous all day about the ceremony. But I knew I really wanted to go. I think I built it up a lot in my mind that it was going to be a peaceful, beautiful ceremony where I could connect to Kayla and release some of my emotions, which have been running high this week. Instead, it was filled with real-life stuff like noisy children and a broken microphone, but it was still a good way for my husband and I to connect in our grief.
The first big step was buying an ornament to hang on the tree. Every year they decorate the tree with ornaments that we (baby loss parents) bring in. Then they save them all and put them up year after year, adding new ornaments as more families join our sad club. I love the idea and really love that our hospital honors our babies like this--the tree is displayed in the chapel of the main hospital. So a few night ago I went out to try to find a decent ornament. I know the perfect ornament does not exist and I've been too emotionally exhausted to make a special one or order something online (although that's still something that I want to do eventually). I just found a small, simple ornament that already had "Kayla" printed on it. Then I wrote her date of birth and "We love you" on it.
The second big step was going back to the hospital. We didn't have to go to the maternity part, but parking in the parking lot and walking up to the entrance felt so surreal. I am kind of glad to check that off my list of things to do though, and it didn't really hurt that much since I was there for a specific and nice reason.
We all got to decorate a bag before the ceremony, and that was very emotional for me. I just wrote her name and some hearts, because I didn't want to start crying too hard and not be able to stay. At the registration desk the woman asked us if this was our first time, and I did cry a little. Yes, it's our first time, but EVERY holiday from now on will be one more without Kayla. Then the ceremony started. There were a few poems and prayers, then they read each name and we got to walk up and put a (fake) candle in our bag. The bags line the chapel and will stay there until New Year's. Again, I love that all of our babies' lights will be decorating the hospital. I do a lot of event planning for my job, so there were definitely some things I would change--I was expecting more I guess, or to hear more people's stories, or some big, grand ceremony. I am always expecting too much, it seems. No matter how nice it was, it will never be perfect because I shouldn't be in a room FULL of people who have had to say goodbye to their babies.
So it was kind of a nice, strange experience, but I did notice that it didn't make me so sad like it would have even 6 weeks ago. I liked seeing all of the families there, many with small babies or pregnant bellies, and yet they were still there to remember their babies that died too. I kind of liked that it was just another part of my day, too, that I can work Kayla and her memory into my daily life without being swept away in sadness. After it was over, we talking about Kayla and our future in the car. I love my husband so much--just when I think he has totally disconnected from grief, he reminds me that he misses Kayla every day too. And sometimes I just need to hear that. But then we just drove straight to our friends house and enjoyed a nice dinner with them and were able to "get on with it" and I'm grateful for that ability.
Here is an excerpt from the poem that was printed on our program for the ceremony: "Tree of Light" by Jean Felice Eilbert
Here we stand in winter's glory. We've shared the pain and told our stories. Tree of Light, Tree of Light, Let it shine! In the chill of this December, We take this time now to remember, Tree of Light, Tree of Light, Let it shine...Lift our voices through the dark remembering you with all our hearts. Tree of Light, Tree of Light, Let it shine!
I love that your hospital does this, it's a beatiful tradition, sad, but needed! The ornament you picked for Kayla was perfect! It made me sad when you said you were going to have to leave it there like you had to leave Kayla...what an awful day that was, but to think her ornament will be there every year because she WAS here is so lovely. Hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteLove this post (as usual!). I love that the room was filled with "real stuff"...the broken mic, for example. I love that I am not alone in "expecting too much" as I often do that, too. I love that you and your husband were able to talk afterwards and that he was able to share that he is still in pain, too. We do need to know we are not alone. Good for you for going and just like Addi's mom, I am sending hugs.
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