I'm hoping that by writing about this and sharing it I will feel a little better. Again, as far as I know no one in my family even knows I have a blog so I still consider this a safe space to write about MY feelings.
Because I know what I'm about to write is something that my family can never understand completely. Like most of my emotions lately, they can empathize but that is not the same.
My sister had her 19 week anatomy ultrasound yesterday. I had asked her to call or text me after so I could find out. I had been hoping she was having a boy, so it would be "easier" for me, but also preparing myself for the possibility of a girl. Well, she found out she is having TWINS. And they are both girls. And of course they are healthy. (Not that I was hoping for bad news).
While one small part of me is excited for her, I am mostly having negative emotions. My one daughter who I wanted so much had to die, and now she gets to have two. It is not fair. Nothing is fair after your baby has died but this has catapulted me into a very dark place. I'm hoping it passes before Christmas, because the last thing I want is to be bitter and angry and jealous, since I'm already going to be sad and missing Kayla. But I just keep turning it over in my head--what did I do to deserve a suprisie ultrasound of "there is no heartbeat" while her surpise is "it's twins!"? I know rationally that neither one of us had any control over our situations but I feel so angry towards her!
I guess I need to work on redirecting my anger and jealousy , but I'm not really sure how to do that. I'm just so sad and wishing that I had Kayla here with me, then I could be really excited about her twin cousins.
Double ouch...I'm with you I always hope people have boys because girls are so much more painful to hear about and then to get two...my heart just aches for you. This is so unfair that Kayla won't be here to play with her cousins and that you are robbed from the excitement you would have had if she was here. Hang in there, but wow it does seem like someone somewhere could throw you a bone! Gah! Your feelings are totally normal and Im so sorry you are going through all of this :(
ReplyDeleteThere really is no easy way to process the gender news of another baby in the family (or a close friend's family). We had the opposite situation: we lost our girl/boy twins, and found out my husband's younger brother and his wife are having a boy just a couple of months after our loss. Having lost one of each, there's no "out" to pray for in others' gender news, because it hurts no matter which way the news goes. Still...we are all entitled to our feelings and broken hearts and jealousy/anger. It's very hard to be happy for someone and so heartbroken for ourselves at the same time, but I figure we'll all look back some day and marvel at how well we held ourselves together in light of such difficult news.
ReplyDeleteHugs...
Once again, your not alone. This is always something that is so hard to swallow and there is no way to avoid it. This sounds horrible, but it is not meant to be that way, nobody's story is over until it's over. I don't know if that makes sense but it does for me. When I hear of twins, I try not to think about how lucky they are to have two, I try to think about how luck they are to have survived. Having twins brings on a whole bunch of added risks.
ReplyDeleteI don't know how this all just came across. but I hope you can get what I'm trying to say.