33 weeks

I counted, and this is the 33rd week since Kayla died.  The same amount of time that she was alive inside of me. I spent 33 weeks being hopeful, planning for my new life as a mother, so content and happy.  And now I've spent 33 weeks deep in grief, trying to heal enough to continue my life, missing her every day and mourning all that we lost. 

33 weeks and 1 day ago I was so sure of my future.  Then time stopped in that ultrasound room and I don't take the future for granted anymore.  And now I'm pregnant and hopeful that in another 33 weeks I will have the opportunity to birth a living child.  But what is so scary for me (or one of many fears) is that Kayla was healthy, perfect, right up until she wasn't alive anymore.  Or at least that's what we thought--now we know that at some point her tumor started growing, after my 18 week ultrasound.  And it grew so big that her heart couldn't keep pumping blood to it and the rest of her body.  But her heartbeat was normal just a week before she died.  So it is surreal to be pregnant again, with everything seemingly "normal,"  except I know that anything could happen at any moment to change that.  Trying to balance my hope and my fear is extremely hard for me right now, so I mostly choose to keep busy with work and not think about it.

I am so, so tired every single day and can't wait for next week so I can rest!  I am not really looking forward to Christmas, because I feel Kayla's absence so deeply.  But once I get past all of the holiday stuff, I feel like I can take a deep breath and put 2011 behind me.  It's been a really, really hard year.