stress

I'm not really sure how to write about what is rolling around in my head, so I'm just going to write for awhile and hope it tumbles out.

Work is stressing me out so much.  I feel so weird even thinking or writing that.  (Because, my daughter dying is way more stressful than any work situation will ever be).  But day to day life unfortunately takes over and my job is so busy during December.  I usually end up planning a lot of events and doing a lot of outreach work, which involves buying and picking up supplies, presents, etc. and often delivering them.  So I'm out in the cold, loading and unloading presents and it just makes me grouchy.  I don't want to help other people, shouldn't other people be helping me?  Isn't this supposed to be the hardest time of year for grief?  But everyone around me needs me to be capable, needs me to be their supervisor or the one who solves their issue or delivers their presents.  And that is my job, so I have to do it.  And usually I love it but my heart is not in it!  I am just tired!  I'm so busy I don't have time to focus on my grief and figure out how I want to remember Kayla this year. 

The other thing that has been weighing on me is how to share Kayla and my grief with other people.  My mom especially wants to talk about her more and be with me in grief, and I don't let her.  I put on a fake "I'm ok" tone of voice when she brings Kayla up and I know it would mean so much to her if I would open up more.  And I want to be able to be honest with my family and friends who really do care and want to remember Kayla with me.  But I think I feel like they will never really understand, and I don't have the energy to try to include everyone in my grief.  And I know that's ok, but sometimes I wish I could.  I often think about sharing some of my writing, since that is the only way I can truly seem to process my grief, but it always seems too personal.  Maybe someday I'll be ready.

I finally mailed the form in to request my hospital records today.  I've been wanting to get them for awhile but have kept putting it off.

Since I'm so tired and NOT in the holiday spirit, I'm going to watch "Christmas Vacation" on tv.  Even with a dead baby weighing on my mind, I still love this movie!