I'm not sure what to write today. I am back after a long weekend with my family. For the most part it was nice. I mean, I have the absolute best family. We are close, and I love being at my mom's house. I kept busy and wasn't too overly emotional and sad. I never thought it would happen but I do have days where I don't cry when I think about Kayla. My mom had already professionally printed a collage of Kayla photos that I made to send to my mother-in-law. She also has a framed picture of Kayla in her dining room. I really appreciate that but it just felt so weird to be eating Thanksgiving dinner and glancing up and seeing a picture of my dead daughter. My elderly grandma was looking at the picture later and asked me "Rachel, what baby is this?" I just said it was Kayla and she got the hint that I didn't want to talk about it. I do like the idea that Kayla is just another baby in our family, and oh how I wish that were true. Other than that, we didn't really talk about Kayla and that was how I wanted it. I wanted to try to just be normal and not have everyone watching me to see how I was reacting to things.
So it was "nice" to have a break and be with my family, but we also drive each other crazy sometimes. Being around my pregnant sister wasn't as hard as I had imagined it to be, but I was extra sensitive and kind of mean to her I think. Normal pregnancy concerns and aches and pains are NOT something I want to hear about at this point. So it's good to be back at home.
My grief feels far away, distant. That's ok, sometimes I think I just need a break from grief. I know it will be back. But I can feel a huge difference in my grief from a month ago to my grief now. I am not scared of any social situation or worried someone is going to bring Kayla up, because I know I can control how I react and I don't feel the same desperation and fear like I used to.
This week our hospital is having a Christmas tree lighting ceremony where we can remember our babies. I'm planning on going, kind of looking forward to it actually.
I understand how hard it is to be around a pregnant relative. My husband's younger brother and his wife conceived 6 weeks after we conceived our twins. We lost our babies at 14w2d due to a bleeding polyp in my cervix, and her pregnancy has continued. She's now 24 weeks. It is so painful to even see her pregnant belly, let alone hear her whine about her symptoms. I don't know how I'll ever handle the birth of a baby who should be two months younger than his twin cousins. It just makes navigating our own grief so much harder and more unfair. Hugs to you...
ReplyDeleteWelcome back! I know how hard it is to be sensitive to pregnant people's aches and pains...it's like I get that it's a big deal for you, but shut the heck up! It's hard for me, also, to hear new moms complain how tired they are. REALLY? Anyway, I am glad you survived and in a way, thrived! It's called healing, my friend, and somehow, we are all doing it!
ReplyDeleteEnjoy the tree lighting ceremony this week. Looking forward to hearing all about it!
Glad it went better than you thought and that you have the tree lighting ceremony coming up! It sucks that THESE are the things we look forward to and yet now they are SO important!
ReplyDelete