transitions

I keep sitting down at the computer while Livia is sleeping, thinking that I will write something.  And, I have nothing to write.  Not that there is nothing going on, but I can't focus my thoughts enough to pinpoint what I want to say. So I'm just going to write anyways.

I am going through a big transition.  I still haven't officially quit my job, I am waiting for them to decide if I can do contract work as a translator for them.  I hate being in limbo so hopefully they have an answer for me by the end of the week.  I know staying home will be great, and Livia and I will both benefit, but I also feel guilty about not bringing in any income, and also that I don't have a perfectly clean house and healthy dinners every night...it usually takes me a while to deal with big transitions, so in addition to growing into my role as a mother I am also having to grow into my job of staying home. 

We watch the TV show "The Voice."  Every person that they interview, they spin their life into some kind of 'tragedy' that they have overcome through music, or some big problem that would be solved by being chosen for the show.  Some of them HAVE gone through a lot, but some of their "sob stories" are things like they had trouble learning how to read, or their grandmother died.  It drives me crazy!  Why can't they put a positive spin on things (they meaning the show, not the individual person).  I feel like I am rating their grief, their hardship.  I hate feeling like that because I don't want to always be comparing MY tragedy to everyone else's problems.  It's one of those petty emotions like jealousy that I didn't have to deal with that much before Kayla died.  But it also reminds me that our emotions and problems are always the WORST for us at that moment.  I can't compare my sad story to someone else's. 

In baby world, everything is good.  Livia will be two months old on Thursday, she is smiling on cue now which absolutely is the best thing ever.  Actually, everything she does is the best thing ever.  I love her more than I could have imagined.  A lot of my sadness has lifted, with the daily responsibilities of taking care of a baby, I just don't have time to be sad like I used to.  So, I guess my grief is in transition too. 

Not sure if she likes the botanical gardens

trying to catch a smile

you know, polka dots and animal print don't match mom!