doubts

I'm sitting here next to my sleeping baby.  I should be sleeping too, so I'm not so tired tomorrow.  This little girl has taken over my whole life and my heart grows with love for her every day.  She is doing great--I want to remember every single moment, already she's growing so fast.  She's smiling more each day, locking eyes with mine, and we are finding our rhythm together as mother and daughter.  

But sometimes, the doubts creep in.  Am I doing a good job?  Is she really ok?  Did she have any tummy time today?  Is she still breathing?  Am I talking to her enough?  Did she have enough wet diapers today?  Is she fussing too much?  Is she really still breathing?  Some days the doubts are just little thoughts in the back of my mind, and others they are front and center. 

For so long all I was focused on was keeping her alive.  Getting from one appointment to the next, tracking movements and growth until we made it to her birthday. Proving to myself that I could birth a living child.   Now I have to shift my focus--I still have to keep her alive, but I also have to think about raising a child.  I want so many things for her, I want her to grow up to be independent and healthy and confident.  I want to do everything right!  (I know that's impossible, and that I will screw up often in big and small ways, but I still have the desire). 

Tonight I am anxious because I took the first steps to becoming a stay at home mom for the time being.  I emailed our HR director to talk to him about whether I can do some work from home translating for our company or not.  If the answer is 'not,' I am prepared to quit.  Then the doubts creep in... What if we really can't survive financially without my income?  What if I never find another job I like as much as this one?  What if I end up not liking or being good at staying at home?  What if I lose my identity by being at home?  I KNOW that what I want and need right now is to stay home with Livia, and luckily we are in somewhat of a financial situation for me to do that.  But it is so scary to me for some reason. 

Then there are other doubts too, about my body, about our relationship after a baby, about how to connect to my husband and the people we once were before pregnancy and stillbirth and another pregnancy. 

We're doing the best we can.  I'm doing the best I can.  I just needed to write out some of these doubts to quiet my mind, so I can go to sleep.  But not before touching Livia's chest to make sure she is still breathing.  She probably gets really sick of me waking her up every time she is trying to nap just to make sure she's still alive.