So immediately after posting that I'm worrying about my privacy on this blog, I've decided to post a video of myself!
I was nervous to record myself, but really wanted to participate in Angie's Spoken Word Blog Round Up. It's something concrete I can do in honor of Kayla's 6 month anniversary. Since I stayed home from work today, sick, it seemed like a perfect day to film myself (sarcasm). And of course all the usual disclaimers like excuse my sickness and I hate how my voice sounds so whiny, but .here it is!
I chose this post to read because it was one of the first times I had to choose whether or not to ackowledge Kayla, and I lied. And it weighed on me for weeks.
I am sooo stinkin proud of you Rachel for doing this! See, you jump, I jump :-)
ReplyDeleteI have felt the same way many of times. I anticipate the day that one of my students ask about Sam, only difference is they are 11 and 12 years old. I know the day will come since I wear a bracelet and have a tattoo on my wrist with his name and large angel wings around it. Do you think our children understand that sometimes we lie to protect them?
Much love and Many hugs. Thank you for sharing.
Big hugs, mama!!!
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for sharing, you are brave to do this :) Beautiful post to read.
ReplyDeletewhat a great post. I really like how talk about Kayla being black. it is weird how we are put in boxes, the boxes that may not ever make a huge difference except when it labels a life that has never been lived. It sucks that the lying comes out and affects only us. No one else notices. Hugs to you. I am sorry you don't have your daughter.
ReplyDeleteOh Rachel. This was a beautiful post. Read so perfectly. Such an impossible question to answer, a question about how many children you have, whether you have a daughter. Especially to such a young questioner. My heart just sank for you when I saw where this conversation was headed.
ReplyDeleteAnd all those questions, that we have about them and that we will never have answered. How their lives would have played out.
Remembering your beautiful girl, Kayla xo
Welcome to the club! I continuously worry about my privacy, yet I immediately knew I had to submit a video too. Listening to you was wonderful. I tore up right along with you...
ReplyDeleteThose questions are hard enough (and always will) let alone when asked by such young kids. One time when I confessed about my strange kind of mommyhood to kids (roundabout 6) they grabbed my hand and told me I can come and play with them anytime.
Kayla will never be forgotten in our neck of the woods. Thanks for sharing. xo
Rachel - thank you for being so brave and for sharing this. Those questions are so hard - I hhave forgiven myself for saying three, not four, sometimes. I don't think of it as lying but protecting my heart - and heaven knows, our hearts are fragile and need protecting now.
ReplyDeleteI was interested in what you said about your daughter's racial heritage and how someone else got to define it. My v-log was all about how I defined my daughter and how sad I feel that she'll never get to define herself and I'll never get to know if my mama intuitions were right. *stamping foot* - it's not fair.