grateful: I've just been really grateful for my life this week. Kayla's death is sad, it will always be sad. But I still wouldn't trade the life that I have with anyone else. I have so, so many good and wonderful people and things in my life. I am a genuinely happy person and it makes me so relieved and grateful that some of that happiness is coming back. My happiness looks much different now, feels so different, but I can still recognize it. Sometimes that makes Kayla's death even sadder for me, because I was so ready to share all of this goodness with her.
scared: I went to back to my doctor's on Monday, for a regular checkup. I was so scared and nervous. I turned bright red while I was sitting in the waiting room trying to manage all of the different emotions that I was feeling. The nurse hugged me and I cried, the doctor said she was so happy we have decided to try again and I cried. I asked all my questions, and I cried. But having someone actually be happy that we are trying again really lifted my spirits. I am scared, nervous, negative, and angry about trying to conceive. So having a little positive energy directed that way felt kind of good.
mad: One of my staff members asked me last week if I knew anyone that had any baby girl clothes, because her friend just found out she is 8 months pregnant and has no clothes, no money to buy clothes (doesn't know who the father is, doesn't really want the baby, etc). I said no and suggested they try the community center in the neighborhood for a referral to a clothes bank. I brushed it off since doing community outreach and directing people to resources is my job, but it was kind of left hanging in the air--did she think I was going to donate Kayla's things to this lady I don't even know? I kind of forgot about it, but then yesterday she brought it up again. And just kind of insisted that her friend was desperate for baby girl things and just looked at me. And so it confirmed for me that she must think I have a stash of baby stuff that I should donate. It felt so pushy and violating. The more I think about it, the angrier I get, at my staff member for even bringing it up and for getting pushy about it, at that lady who got pregnant without even knowing or trying, at the fact that her baby will probably have a hard life, being born into poverty and a family that is not prepared for her. Mostly it just makes me mad that I DO have a stash of baby girl stuff just sitting around taking up space in my closet.
refreshed: I just got back from a one hour zumba class. So much fun! Of course I just happened to overhear 2 women talking about how they need to keep coming so they can lose all their baby weight. One has a 4 month old and the other a 10 month old. It hurts inside to know that I can't really chime in, even though I had a baby six months ago and also need to lose the baby weight. But, taking time for me to do something fun and healthy is so relaxing.
OMG - do not give that woman Kayla's stuff! It makes me mad to just think about it! My best friend had a baby girl last week and I wanted to give her some of Allie's things so I could know they were being worn and adored, and I could not even do that. No way could I do it for a stranger. Does that make me mean? If so, oh well!!
ReplyDeleteNo, it doesn't make you mean! There is no way I'd ever give her stuff to a stranger. We already gave away most of the stuff that didn't have that much meaning to me. Although I sorted through her stuff less than a week after she died, so I know I wasn't thinking rationally. I probably could go through it again and just keep the important stuff. I do like the idea of giving some stuff to close friends or family, as a gift. But yeah, I felt like it was really rude for her to bring it up again.
ReplyDeleteI think one of the hardest things for me right now is still having my baby weight and not having a baby to show for it. It's like I'm "fat" for no reason. I totally 'get' what you must have felt at your zumba class.
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