head-down

Today went much better than expected.  Because I had imagined every worst case scenario and risk and had still decided to try the version.  But when we got to the hospital and they did an ultrasound, the first thing we saw was that baby had turned herself head down.  She waited until the last possible minute before they were going to mess with her, then she took action!  I was very relieved to not have to do the version and hopefully she stays right where she is for a few more weeks (or whenever she's ready!!)  And next time I go to labor and delivery, I want to be in labor! 

Later though, I found myself crying in my car after I had parked it in my garage.  I am spending so much energy and emotions on being pregnant and making sure baby is ok, Kayla seems to be put on the back burner, even for me and my husband.  Of course her story guides every decision and step of this pregnancy, but I haven't been able to focus on her like I used to.  I know that is ok, and that maybe we are just moving into a new phase of grief and parenting a dead child.  But it still hurts.  I still miss her so much, but at the same time ask myself how can I miss someone I never really knew?  I knew what I wanted for her, what I thought she was like.  Just like I feel like I know Livia now, but I will soon know Livia in ways that I can only dream about with Kayla.  It's really hard to wrap my mind around and leaves me in tears every time. 

A close friend of mine who has a 17 month old daughter found out today that she is having a boy in December.  I was secretly so relieved.  Our girls were supposed to be only a few months apart, but then our paths diverged when hers was born healthy and mine was not.  So at least now I don't have to see her with two little girls. 

Today was a good day though, despite the sadness.