May 1st

All of sudden it's May.  I am sad.  I feel so lost, suddenly.  The confident me is gone, replaced by the grieving me, unsure of what I did wrong and how to fix things.  I imagine it will pass again, when I get away from all of these tricky trigger dates. 

This is a picture of my planner from April 2011.  I can't get the picture to turn the right way.  I used to love my planner, writing in every single important thing I had to do, crossing off each day.  I numbered the weeks of my pregnancy.  Wrote quotes in the margin.  Tucked in post-it notes with lists of 'what to pack in my hospital bag,' and 'good scents for birth.'  I was so busy!  I will never throw this planner away, I have studied each and every day the last week of April, searching for a memory, a sign that things were going horribly wrong. 

I'm pretty sure Kayla died on May 1st, that's the last time I remember feeling her move.  It's also our wedding anniversary, (and I'm sad because I haven't even seen my husband today, he's been working for over 13 hours.)  May 2nd and 3rd are crossed off in this planner.  May 4th has "Dr. appt 1:15" written in, because I called the doctor early that morning for some spotting I was having.  No big deal, just want to get it checked out.  And then "Zumba, 4 pm"  Because I would definitely be back to school in time for our staff zumba class.  And the rest of May was pretty full after that too, with school events, 5 de Mayo parties, hospital registration for our birth, etc.  And after May 4th, none of it mattered.  I didn't ever cross any more days off in that planner or use it, but I'm glad I saved it.  It holds all of my daily events from when Kayla was with me. 

I'm not planning anything special for her second birthday.  I don't have the energy.  I'm just sad.  I wasn't expecting to be this sad.  Maybe the rest of the week will play out differently.  We are going away for the weekend, to the same nature lodge we went to last year.  I'm upset because it's going to be cold and rainy so we can't go hiking and plant a tree at the arbor day farm like we did last year.  It seems like a sign, that nothing will go as planned and maybe I won't enjoy it.  We will go anyways and try to have a good time. 

I've had some major crying in the past few days.  Livia looks at me and giggles each time, thinks I'm playing a game with her.  It's so cute, and makes me feel a million times better.