2nd birthday

Kayla's birthday weekend (May 4th and 5th) was cold and rainy.  Our little getaway to the Arbor Day Farm wasn't what we wanted it to be.  Last year we spent the whole weekend hiking, walking in the hazelnut orchard, enjoying the view on the outside terrace.  I missed being able to do that this year.  But it was a peaceful enough weekend, lounging in the lodge and taking Livia swimming and to a children's musuem. 

We ate Mexican food again on her birthday, 5 de Mayo.  I missed her and thought about her and remembered what we were doing two years ago, and one year ago.  It is so different this year.  Last year I was pregnant and so wrapped up in wondering if Livia was going to be ok and still processing my intense grief.  This year was more laid back and my grief is so different.  I like that Livia will be able to have good memories of Kayla's birthday, it is a nice way for her to feel connected to her sister in the future. I was able to feel happy this year, as we listened to a female mariachi group sing at lunch, just being with my little family and knowing we love both of our daughters more than anything. 

There are nature quotes stenciled all over the hotel, it is really neat.  I liked seeing the quote that caught my eye last year.  (There is something infinitely healing in the repeated refrains of nature -- the assurance that dawn comes after night, and spring after winter.” -Rachel Carson)
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 This year, the one that stuck out was

" Trees are the earth's endless effort to speak to the listening heaven.  ~Rabindranath Tagore, Fireflies, 1928

 I liked the simple reminder of heaven, of our connection to nature, the life cycle and my endless effort to feel close to Kayla.  

I really am relieved to be past those dates that have so much significance.  It's too much all at once, I wonder if it will always be like that?  I know I will always remember Kayla, especially on her birthday, but I imagine some of the deep feelings of grief will continue to fade.  And that's ok--I was also putting some pressure on myself to DO something for her birthday, but at the end of the day it is just one more day, I don't HAVE to physically do anything to honor her on that day.  

And now tomorrow is Mother's Day.  I am really neutral about it this year...in some ways it is my first mother's day, in many other ways it is not.  Of course this weekend is beautiful and spring-like so I'm hoping to plant some flowers and spend some time outside.  

'rainbow baby' out to lunch on Kayla's birthday