Kayla updates

I get to write Livia updates so why not an update on some significant things that have happened relating to Kayla and my grief?

• I applied for Kayla's death certificate today.  I'm not sure why I waited so long, I think before I was afraid to even ask if she got to have an official death certificate.  I knew she did not "qualify" for a birth certificate in the state we live in.  We have an official looking cremation form that the funeral home gave us.  We have her autopsy report.  Today I emailed the state's vital statistics office and matter-of-factly wrote that I delivered a stillborn daughter in 201 and if they issue death certificates for that type of situation.  It was a horrible email, because it was so professional concise.  Just the horrible facts.  But my grief is in a place that allows me to do that when necessary--condense her story, her life, into just the facts.  I don't get to talk about her nearly as much as I would like to.  But what else is there to say?  It was the best part of my day when the state worker emailed me back right away, also very professionally.  Yes, she qualifies for a death certificate.  Weird, but it made me happy.  She was real.  SHE DIED.  She officially died.  And in 7-10  business days I'll have a piece of paper that proves that. On the form I got to write that my relationship to her was 'mother.'  I got to put her birthdate.  Next to 'age at time of death' I put 'stillborn.'  I didn't cry when I filled it out.  (I did cry later though).

•  2 weekends ago I bought a nice shadow box at Hobby Lobby and put some of Kayla's things in it.  I was going to display her dress and hat that she wore, and her blanket.  But when I layed everything out it didn't feel  right.  There are bloodstains on her dress (her skin was very fragile).  It seemed even too important of a "thing" to look at every day, something that is meant to be pulled out when I need to feel close to her.  I put some pictures of us together, her birth announcement, the first pair of baby shoes that were given to us as a gift (funnily, Livia still doesn't wear shoes, she hates them and I forget to put them on her).  I put her memorial certificate from the hospital, a small ceramic cross. It turned out not as beautiful as I imagined, because I am not really that crafty.  But I still like it.  Once we get it hung (might take another few months at the rate we accomplish household projects) I will post a picture.  Most importantly, my husband and I spread all of her things out in our living room and read all of her baby shower cards, and the sympathy cards, and looked at every picture we have.  We cried together, something we have not done in a really long time.  It was nice to spend some time remembering her together. 

• In a few weeks we will spend her 2nd birthday without her.  We will go back to the nature lodge we went to last year, to spend some time away from everyday life and to hopefully feel connected to her.  I want Livia to grow up looking forward to Kayla's birthday as a time we will do something fun as a family.  Last year I was 27 weeks pregnant with Livia and so scared, unsure of myself as a mother and of our future.  I am so glad and relieved that this year I am much more confident, happy, and peaceful.   For a long time it felt like I was going to always be sad, traumatically sad, crying.  I am still sad but I am happy too.  I still think of Kayla every day but not always in a heartbroken way.  Having Livia here and healthy has helped me enormously in moving to this new stage of grief and life, and I'm so grateful for her.