Post-holidays

If I don't write a blog post soon, I may never get back in the groove.  And I like writing, I need some place to gather my thoughts every once in awhile.  I don't NEED this blog like I used to.  It is not a lifeline in the same way it was during early grief, but it's still important to me. 

Kayla's second Christmas and Livia's first Christmas was nice.  I am really liking the phase/stage I'm in that is allowing me to really live in the moment.  It was great to be with family, play with the babies, and just enjoy everything that was going on.  Driving home from opening presents at my Grandma's house, I had to cry though, for Kayla.  And for me.  It was one of those cold, clear Christmas-y nights that will always remind me of my childhood, the excitement of leaving family and the party to go home and get ready for Santa to come (I didn't even really believe in Santa, but the anticipation was still nice).  And everything just kind of caught up with me--I don't have to fake my happy emotions anymore, but too much happiness can still make me sad.  So I had a little time with my grief and remembering Kayla, and I was ok. 

One awkward thing that happened was we went out to a restaurant the day after Christmas and I saw a girl I used to waitress with back in high school.  Sometimes I run into her around town, since it's a small town.  She mentioned that WOW, the last time she saw me I was pregnant and WOW look how big my baby is now.  But the thing is, I never saw her when I was pregnant with Livia.  She probably doesn't know that Kayla died, but it was one of those things that I am sure only I realized.  Last time I saw her I was still innocent and young.  

Livia had a great Christmas, she is so loved.  She is a really happy baby and I just feel so blessed to get to know her little personality.  Usually we go to to Florida over New Year's but this year we came home and it has been a wonderful week+ at home with just our family.  I've done quite a few house organization projects but somehow our house is still unorganized.  But I'm feeling really GOOD.  That doesn't make for the most interesting blog posts, but that's ok. 

Snow baby

This month we are going to mommy-and-me music classes and having playdates.  Next month we are going to Brazil for three weeks, so I'm sure I'll have lots to write about then.  After that we will re-evaulate if I can continue staying home or if I will have to go back to work.  In the meantime, I'm enjoying getting to stay home on days when it snows and knowing that Livia is not picking up extra germs at daycare.