Nilmdts photographer

I'm not sure why I haven't been writing as much (aside from being busy with my sweet little almost-6-month-old).  Even though I have written about my darkest and deepest feelings and grief, things that are too personal for me to even talk about, lately I have been feeling like sharing less. 

At Target a few days ago I ran into the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep photographer who took Kayla's photos.  It really surprised me.  I keep in touch with her online but never expected to actually see her again--we live in a big enough city that you don't normally just run into people, although the longer I live here the less that is true.  I went into a kind of dual reality where in one version I was going through the motions of saying hey, how have you been, good to see you.  She was saying how cute Livia is and that she likes seeing my pictures online.  I was responding appropriately.  But I was actually zoned out, spending a few moments in that other reality--the last time I saw her.  It was a hot, sunny day in June 2011.  It had been six weeks since Kayla died and I still hadn't gotten my photos back yet.  Since those were the only photos we took, each day felt like an eternity until I could see her image.  I met the photographer, a really nice blonde lady who looks kind of Norwegian or Swedish in my mind, at her mother-in-laws house one day because she lived farther away and was in my town visiting.  I remember she came out of the house wearing sunglasses and jean shorts and I could hear her two kids playing in the backyard.  Just a normal summer day.  But for me it was a heavy day.  She handed me the CD of pictures and a DVD with a beautiful slide show, and she was so nice to me and I wanted to stay and talk to her forever, because she knew Kayla.  She saw her, held her, dressed her, stayed with her when I couldn't. 

Now that I have some time between me and that day I am still amazed at what a gift she gives to families, that she gave to our family.  Not every person who hasn't experience a loss (she hasn't) can be with people in their grief, can hold their dead babies and produce beautiful images from that darkness. 

So, it was awkward to see her at Target, because I couldn't get my mind to process all of that fast enough, so I was just dumbly nodding along and making small talk but couldn't form anything nice to say about her family or even to introduce myself to her husband who was standing right there.  And I certainly couldn't figure out how to say THANK YOU because there is no way to actually express how grateful I am to her.