The 4th and the 5th of this month passed by without me really recognizing the significance of those days to Kayla's story. I'm ok with that--they just happen to be the dates that we found out she had died and the date I delivered her, but other than that it's just all a bunch of days. In the beginning though, or for at least the first year, those days of each month were really hard to get through. I couldn't imagine that I would ever just let them pass by without remembering Kayla. And now, I can't quite remember the feeling of dread, of fear, of despair. That's a good thing. She's always with me, her story is my story.
My grief continues to evolve with me, but it's always here. It will always be here, in some way or another. Tonight I was flipping through the TV guide to schedule which shows I wanted to record and I saw that Law and Order: SVU was playing. Immediately I knew it was Wednesday night. I was transported back to THAT Wednesday night, when a nurse asked if I wanted to watch tv to distract me. May 4, 2011. I was checked in to the hospital and had started the cervadil to begin Kayla's birth. When I had woken up that morning everything was right in my world, and by 8 pm, everything was so wrong. I would have given anything to be at home, watching my normal Wednesday night show and knowing my baby was safely growing inside of me. So I "watched" Law and Order: SVU, or at least it was playing in the background, because that is what I always used to watch on Wednesday nights. Those days magnify themselves, each second becoming it's own memory that pops up sometimes when I least expect it. Do I remember each detail of her face? Do I??? I swore I would never forget, but if I didn't have her picture, I might not remember exactly. Do I remember what it felt like to hold her? YES, I still do. There may come a day when I can't feel the weight of her in my arms or see her face clearly, but those little memories of our time with her help to remind me.
I am so tired tonight--Livia has been teething and waking up OFTEN at night the past few nights and just generally being more high maintenance. Just taking a moment to be grateful for that--that she is healthy and hitting all her milestones and that she has far outgrown her sister. I'm so grateful for her, and just want to remind myself of that and of what a miracle she is in my life.
Oh, the waking up often. Gah. It can definitely wear on you. But man, it's those times when you've picked them up for the 3rd time that you are reminded how lucky we are to have those cries...
ReplyDeleteThe 5th came quickly this month. I usually try to light a candle before the time Andrew was born (9:04 p.m.), but I looked at the clock and the time had passed. Just like that. Grief sure does change. The missing part... that doesn't. :(
Those memories do pop up, when you least expect them. And they can sometimes knock you down. Ugh.
ReplyDeleteThe 19th and 20th don't really stand out to me too much anymore, and I'm thankful for that. But if its a Tuesday/ Wednesday combination, its much more difficult for me.
The waking and exhaustion are indeed blessings. But its so easy to get so tired when babies are going through something like teething. Around here, everyone's tempers are running hot during those times. It always does me good to step back and remind myself how blessed we are to be waking up during the night with a fussy kid. But sleep is still appreciated, too! :) Hoping Livia gets back to normal soon!