still transitioning

I WILL finish the Capture Your Grief challenge in the next couple of days, because I want to finish it. I want to finish what I started, because it seems like these days it is hard to finish anything at all.  It was a much harder project that I was anticipating, both logistically (finding photos, transfering them, or taking them, turning on our old desktop computer while Livia was napping, etc), and emotionally because I don't look at images of Kayla every day or grieve in that way anymore.  When did that happen?  I know people always say time helps heal, and for a long time I didn't believe that.  But....now I kind of do.  Time, and having Livia, or both, have helped close a chapter in my grief.  I still grieve of course, in fact I probably still cry at least once a day remembering something from my pregnancy or just missing her.  But I'm not sure exactly when I stopped needing to look at her pictures every day, or when I couldn't hold back my tears when talking about her.  It just happened gradually.

I'm still in transition.  Something about me is so stubborn that fights big changes.  Maybe I still have some post-partum hormones going on too, but some days or hours I feel like such a big failure.  At everything.  Livia got a cold and then she got an ear infection and I cried the whole way home from the doctor because I felt like I had failed her.  She isn't supposed to get sick!!  Then I spent the rest of the afternoon googling about risks of giving antibiotics so young and whether I should also give pro-biotics and randomly crying and feeling like a bad mom.  Then the next day I stayed home all day with her and let her rest (she is fine!!  And has had no side effects from the antibiotics) and felt like a somewhat decent mom but a failure in everything else.  I miss working (sometimes) and feeling like I am doing something worthwhile.  My house is messier than it was when I was working (I also didn't have a baby when I was working, I have to remind myself).  I'm failing at dieting, or even at eating healthier on most days.  I didn't get dressed that day  or shower until my husband got home from work.  I am taking good care of Livia but everything else is just kind of in chaos. 

THOSE are the bad/hard/sad moments.  And I can't figure out why, but then the next day, or the next hour or whenever, even though nothing has really changed, everything seems suddenly ok and like I actually am succeeding at a lot of things, and my perspective is all different.  I made dinner at home every day last week.  I went on a walk with Livia most days.  I paid all of our bills and managed to lower our cable bill by $50 by obnoxiously calling every department of the company and wading through their terrible customer service. Our house is generally picked up, even if it's not clean.  I have slowly been losing weight, even if it's not as fast as I'd envisioned.  Livia is so happy, and I know I will not regret this time I have with her. 

So I don't know what I'm trying to point out, just that some days I feel a little crazy and some days I feel pretty great.  And to keep reminding myself to just BE.  Exist in the transition.  I get ahead of myself and start looking for overnight part-time jobs I could do or online things, or researching daycare again just in case I go back to work soon.  I need to not do those things, and just let myself be Livia's mom, take care of her, and ENJOY it.  Why is it so hard to live in the moment sometimes? 

At home "sick" with an ear infection