Grief at (almost) 19 months

Thanksgiving was good.  Really, really good.  It was so nice to be with my family, and Livia loved having so many people holding her all day, in addition to playing with her 7 month old cousins, who are both crawling, and my pre-teen cousins who are at that age where their main goal is to be perceived as an awesome potential babysitter.    It was chaotic, and busy, and we tcooked, ate a lot and even managed to do some shopping, and some Scrabble-playing, and some movie-watching.  Oh, and our spoiled chihuahua was there too, just to add to the joyful chaos. 

Livia hated the 6 hour drive, she does not want to be confined to her car seat anymore, so that was a little stressful.  But she slept great and didn't have too many screaming or crying episodes and she practiced her pretty smiles a lot of people.  She still is young enough to smile at pretty much anyone who smiles or does something silly for her. 

I truly felt happy over the weekend, and not sad or wrapped up in my grief.  I thought about Kayla, like I always do, but grief just wasn't at the surface.  Until today.  All day I have felt off.  At first I thought I was just tired from the busy weekend and the long drive yesterday (which is true).  I spent most of the day pretending to buy things for Cyber Monday, where I would research something, add it to my cart, and then close the window.  It took all of my energy to make lunch, go to the grocery store, and make dinner later.  My husband was even home helping with Livia on his day off, and I just couldn't get it together to DO anything productive.  Then my self-doubts and guilt settle in.  Am I being lazy?  What the heck am I doing being a stay-at-home mom if I can't handle cleaning up the kitchen or unpacking from our trip?  Why can't I spend just 30 minutes working out?  Why am I frustrated with Livia when she cries and fusses and refuses to take a nap?  Shouldn't I be LOVING and SAVORING every single minute since I know what the alternative is?  I feel so bad and so guilty when I am even the slightest bit frustrated or tired.  I love being a mom, I love being Livia's mom.  It's NOT too overwhelming.  Except for the moments that it is. I have to learn to be ok with the overwhelming moments and not automatically think I'm a bad mom for being overwhelmed. 

I finally laid down next to Livia and let her nurse herself to sleep, and she was completely asleep in less than 5 minutes.  I had some time to think, and I realized that today was probably my grief catching up with me.  One major holiday down, one more to go, and the grief has to go somewhere.  Today it was in the form of extreme tiredness and being unproductive.  It's ok!  Once I realized that I actually felt kind of relieved, to understand what is going on.  I know it will pass.  That's kind of how my grief is now.  It's more subtle, and harder to recognize. 

I really am in a pretty good place with grief overall and feel like Kayla is an important part of our lives, that I am able to talk about her and remember her in meaningful ways, while at the same time living in the present and the life that I have to live.  But still, always, I wonder what it would be like if she were here, a breathing, running, laughing, crying little person, instead of a memory, a dream, our hopes and plans.  I know I will spend the rest of my life wondering, comparing Kayla's imaginary life to Livia's real one (please, God, let her live a long life and see all of those dreams realized).  It's just how it is.  I'm taking some time tonight to let myself feel sad, and cry.  I didn't realize I was crying while typing this until my husband asked me why I was crying!