18 months

Our Kayla has been gone 18 months.  Alternately, she would have been 18 months old today.  If she had lived.  She didn't live though.

18 months seems like a long time.  These dates keep passing.  If I had to give any advice to someone who has just experienced a loss, it would be to just keep living. Keep waking up, drinking coffee, going to work, watching tv, going to sleep and do it all again.  Again and again.  The grief will be there, will seem to pass and then come back, it will shape every day.  But one day you will wake up at 18 months will have passed and things will look a little different.  I'd been having a hard time picturing what 18 months would look like.  I like to imagine having a toddler AND a newborn.  I wonder if Livia's personality would have been different if she had a big sister here, taking attention away from her and teaching her things.

I was shopping over the weekend with my parent, who were in town visiting.  We were at a TJ Max in the baby section, and a very pregnant lady was chasing around an adorable blonde boy who kept picking up all kinds of toys.  Around the corner, I heard my mom ask how old he was.  18 months.  It kind of stung, but I kind of smiled to myself too.  That's what 18 months looks like.  Sitting in the middle of the aisle, refusing to stand up and let go of the toy that you want, that is is 18 months old.  That lady kind of has my life.  An 18-month old and a new baby on the way.  That's what MY plan for my life was.  Maybe that will be my life someday, if we have another baby--maybe I will know what it's like to chase a toddler and care for a newborn.  But for now, I have to be able to accept, to be ok, to be happy.