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| Baby Livia in 3d, 31 weeks |
Yesterday my husband and I watched the dvd of our 3d/4d ultrasound with this baby. She is so cute and we love her so much already. I am so excited to see her sweet face in less than 6 weeks.
About halfway through I started crying. Why didn't we do a 3d ultrasound with Kayla? I think I had this ideal of having very few interventions and saw it as just something unnecessary. I'm not really sure, we just never did one. I regret that-- I would love to have a video of her when she was alive.
Through the ultrasound I have already seen this baby "do" more things than Kayla---yawn, suck on her hand, stick out her tongue. Just normal in-utero stuff that I'm sure Kayla did too, I just never "saw" it in 3d. And, once I go there, to the "why didn't we..." type of thoughts...if we HAD done a 3rd trimester 3d ultrasound, they would have definitely seen the huge tumor that was taking over her tailbone. They would have recommended I go to my doctor right away to check it out. Then my mind lets me have my moment of "and then they could have saved her and she would be here with me right now." But, I don't really think that I believe that. I think that she was not meant to live, and I know it is not productive to think about all of the what-ifs. But I still really wish we had done that ultrasound, so I could see her moving and have some tangible proof that she WAS alive, even if only inside of me. Her pictures are beautiful, but she was already dead. She wasn't really there, it was just her body. It makes me so sad that I will never get to really know her, and yet I was the one who knew her the most.
And I'm hopeful that I will get to know her little sister in the literal, wordly sense, that I will get to see her move in real time, yawn and suck on her hand and stick out her tongue. Even at 34w3d I do not fully believe that she will make it out of me alive, but I am hopeful.
About halfway through I started crying. Why didn't we do a 3d ultrasound with Kayla? I think I had this ideal of having very few interventions and saw it as just something unnecessary. I'm not really sure, we just never did one. I regret that-- I would love to have a video of her when she was alive.
Through the ultrasound I have already seen this baby "do" more things than Kayla---yawn, suck on her hand, stick out her tongue. Just normal in-utero stuff that I'm sure Kayla did too, I just never "saw" it in 3d. And, once I go there, to the "why didn't we..." type of thoughts...if we HAD done a 3rd trimester 3d ultrasound, they would have definitely seen the huge tumor that was taking over her tailbone. They would have recommended I go to my doctor right away to check it out. Then my mind lets me have my moment of "and then they could have saved her and she would be here with me right now." But, I don't really think that I believe that. I think that she was not meant to live, and I know it is not productive to think about all of the what-ifs. But I still really wish we had done that ultrasound, so I could see her moving and have some tangible proof that she WAS alive, even if only inside of me. Her pictures are beautiful, but she was already dead. She wasn't really there, it was just her body. It makes me so sad that I will never get to really know her, and yet I was the one who knew her the most.
And I'm hopeful that I will get to know her little sister in the literal, wordly sense, that I will get to see her move in real time, yawn and suck on her hand and stick out her tongue. Even at 34w3d I do not fully believe that she will make it out of me alive, but I am hopeful.
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| Baby Livia at 31weeks, in 3D |
I didn't have a 3D ultrasound with Alexander. I felt I wanted to only see him the way he was "meant to be"... fully grown, and out here in this world. Oh how I regret not getting that 3D done.
ReplyDeleteOn top of that, I feel that in a subsequent pregnancy, I will want to have one done so I dont miss out on anything... and it hurts to think that way because it reminds me of the reality that I'm missing absolutley everything - forever.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
I'm really rooting for you. I've been following since early spring. I lost my son - he was still born in late Feb. I was 41+ weeks. You are a story of hope. Thank you
I had a 3D ultrasound and am glad I got every chance to see my baby while she was alive. But I do not believe in regrets as you can't go back and change the past. The best thing to do is to keep Kayla's memory alive and you are doing that each and every day! I can't wait till her sister is here and you get to hold her in your arms. The are both already in your heart.
ReplyDeleteFunny you posted this. I was just thinking the same thing. We have been going back and forth about getting one for this baby. I didn't with Samand now I regret it for similar reasons as you. I wish I had tangible proof he was alive. I would love to be able to WATCH him alive.
ReplyDeleteYou might have helped me make my decision.
Thank you!