Now that I'm 33w2d pregnant, everything from this moment forward is uncharted territory. At 33w2d pregnant with Kayla is the day she was born, already gone. To be at/past that point now is exciting and scary. Exciting obviously because I am that much closer to having a living baby, and experiencing those parts of pregnancy that were ripped away from me when Kayla died. Ever since I got that first positive pregnancy test back in November I've been waiting to get past this point, hoping that everything would feel better. And in small ways, it does. I am really grateful for the (so far) uneventful pregnancy I've been having
But I've been really depressed this week as well, wondering how could my baby have died this far along in pregnancy? Knowing that there is nothing guaranteed about what will happen in the next 6-7 weeks. My husband is working 15 hour days lately and I'm alone a lot--lonely, even. But the thought of going out and being in a social setting or making plans with someone is too much for me to think about. I'm only working a few hours a day due to our summer camp schedule, which has been so nice. I'm taking naps, slowly organizing baby things, and taking care of myself. But I'm also alone at home with plenty of time to worry, to analyze every movement this baby makes, to convince myself something is going wrong.
This week has a lot of significant dates for me--Father's day yesterday, point of loss today, tomorrow is my husband's birthday, the 21st was Kayla's due date last year. Once I get through all of that, I'll truly be past all of my goals and deadlines for this pregnancy (other than making it to the end and delivering a healthy baby).
And what a difference a year makes in grief. I have admittedly been crying a lot this week, but more as a stress release I think. Last year at this time we took a small trip for my husband's birthday and Kayla's due date, just to escape. I could barely hold in my tears or think clearly.
I still can't think very clearly, I'm so distracted! I'm going to publish this post anyways, even though it's all a jumbled mess.
A jumbled mess is honesty. I feel the same as you. We are 35 weeks this week and the closer I get to 38 weeks, when we lost Sam, the more I get nervous! Doing our first biophysical tomorrow-just because I'm a nervous wreck and want to be sure she is okay. I'm here for you!
ReplyDeleteI admire your courage getting ready for this little girl. I have yet to do one single thing besides cord blood. I'm scared to, scared I'm going to jinx myself.
I've been thinking about you SO much this weekend, knowing you were getting to that point, Rachel. I am so glad you have made it to this point, but I know your heart still aches for sweet Kayla. I will continue praying baby girl does well and your pregnancy continues to go smoothly. Big hugs!!
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