32 weeks

32 weeks.  Sometime in my 32nd week of pregnancy with Kayla, her heart stopped beating.  While I was going to work or doing laundry, putting together baby gear, or sleeping. I don't know the exact moment she slipped away.  I found out at 33w1d and delivered her the next day.  And now, in a time warp of grief and struggle and counting every day without my daughter and until my next daughter is born, I am here at 32 weeks again.  Constantly monitoring this baby, making sure that she doesn't slip away too.  It's completely non-logical, because what happened to Kayla isn't happening again.  Something else may happen, but this baby does not have the tumor that caused Kayla's heart to stop pumping, tired and overworked.  What if my babies just die at 32 weeks?  What if, what if?  plays constantly in the deepest level of my brain. 

So, the fear is there, obviously.  But I like to think I'm doing a good job of not letting it control me and this pregnancy.  I am just getting so excited to meet this little girl in less than two months!  Other than being tired and big, and waking up at night because both of my hands are constantly numb and hurting, I am feeling good.  I am craving cottage cheese, sweet potato fries and huge glasses of ice water. 

Between the grief, the fear and the anticipation, my brain feels foggy and I'm so distracted.  I feel like I can barely hold normal conversations with people, and because of that I've been spending a lot of time alone.  Maybe I can just hibernate for the next 7.5 weeks until my due date...