moments

Some moments from the past month or so....

• Holding my friends newborn son when he was 12 hours old.  Beautiful.  Even MORE beautiful (to me) was that I felt nothing but joy for her.  My joy is outweighing my sadness these days.  My grief is turning into thoughtfulness and empathy, and even joy. 
  
• My other best friend from high school, her father-in-law was out on a walk and hit by a car.  He died.  So sudden.  Someone just ran off the road and hit him (possibly texting). Your whole life can end in an instant.  His family's lives were changed in that same instant.  It's sad and unexpected, but it doesn't shock me.  Since Kayla died I am hyper aware that tragedy can happen anywhere, anytime, to anyone.  I think most people in the world don't truly realize that.  Sometimes I wish I was still in the "most people" category, but then I wouldn't know what it's like to love someone as deeply as I love Kayla. 
  
•  I went to get a massage in July as a late birthday present to myself. The massage therapist was trying to be friendly and talkative, so she asked me what I like to do for fun.  I had one of those moments when I could not think of one single thing that I like to do FOR ME.  I finally, lamely, said 'umm..reading..?' and when she followed up with 'oh, what kind of books do you like?"  I again couldn't think of anything and couldn't even come up with the last book I'd read.  I moped around for about a week after that, feeling so lost  and like "just a mom."  Do I no longer have any interests?  I finally just finished another book , so there's that.  Otherwise, my interests right now are drinking coffee every morning, having playdates, taking videos of my adorable toddler, etc. I realized later that I don't mind, I don't have to feel lost in my role as a mother.  It's what I want for now.  There will be time later to not be so intensely mothering, like when my babies start school. 
  
• August 15th, my husband bent down at work and his knee completely gave out.  An old soccer injury that just finally tore his ACL.  I've been in caregiver mode since then which is exhausting.  Dr's appointments, MRI, and surgery on Sept 6th, all with a very active Livia who doesn't understand why daddy can't pick her up and play with her the same way he usually does.  Also, my husband and I are not used to spending so much time together, so that's been...interesting!  It's exhausting, and even when I NEED a break, I can't have one, becuase no one else in my house can do anything or take care of themselves. 
  
• Livia has a new love of music!  Last week one of our friends watched her for an hour (ok, so I guess I do get SOME breaks) and taught her this Brazilian kid's song that is super annoying but every Brazilian child is mesmerized by it.  Maybe the equivalent of Dora or Barney here?  Anyways, there is a hand motion in the song where you point out that the baby chick is in the palm of your hand, and Livia loves to do that motion!  It's her own invented sign for "music" and "turn on the YouTube video right this second or I will start screaming."  But it is so adorable that I just keep letting her watch it over, and over, and over.  She shakes her little butt and does the hand motion and it amazes me that she actually understands and can communicate what she wants!