Resting

We are finally at rest.  We have been in motion a lot the past few months.  Ever since our Brazil trip, really, which I still haven't managed to write about as much as I wanted to.  After a week in Florida and three weeks in Brazil,  Livia and I have been to visit my parents twice since April, and had a long weekend in Chicago.  It's nice to be "done" traveling for awhile.  I'm looking forward to being at our house, and doing summer activities here at home. 

I applied for a job a few weeks ago, translating for a big healthcare company as they acquire new accounts in Brazil.  Very different from my non-profit/ community work.  I was excited because it seemed like a great fit, and doing something I enjoy.  I did a phone interview and they invited me to take their timed translation test.  The HR lady emailed me back and said that my translation wasn't good enough for their team  Ugh.  It was a blow to my self-confidence because if I'm not good at translating, why did I study language in college?  What the heck is going to happen to my career?  I'm not completely upset though because it means more time here at home with Livia, which I cherish.  I went through a lot of panicky moments just thinking about finding childcare for her as I applied for this job.  I think it will be a good thing for our family to have two incomes again, and to have a little more stability, so I am ok with going back to work sometime this year, but when I think about leaving her I feel like I'll be letting her down.  All of these back and forth emotions make job searching even more stressful. 

So for now I'm enjoying the summer, hoping to spend  many days at the pool, the zoo, Gymboree (we love it!), swim lessons, mommy playdates, shopping, long walks, cookouts, etc.  Oh, and camping!  And fishing.  Taking Livia on a bike ride.  Watching fireworks.  It's going to be a busy and wonderful summer! 

I'm planning a first birthday party (pink ladybugs and bumblebees).  Where does the time go?????!!!!!!  I was clothes shopping for Livia at Target last night and ALL of the cute clothes were in newborn and 0-3 months.  It kind of made me sad to realize how quickly those days passed.  And then today I was digging in my closet looking for a dress/coverup to wear to the pool.  I pulled one out that apparently I had used in the early days and never washed (gross, I know!)  It smelled like baby milk.  I breathed it in, already nostalgic for that smell.  Livia is still nursing and she still smells like a baby, but not a newborn baby.  These may be the first pangs of baby fever.  However, my health insurance does not currently cover maternity care and since I'm thinking of going back to work, another pregnancy at this point would have to be God's will. 

At the end of the month I'm co-hosting a baby shower.  For one of my best friends, who I"ve known since we sat next to each other in band in 6th grade.  The one who came to see me in those strange hours between finding out Kayla had died and having to check in to the hospital.  She physically came to see me and gave me a hug, brought me a book and a willow tree angel, and told me I would probably want to take my camera (wish I had taken that advice).  She was the first person to get me out of the house in those horrible weeks after, she took me to e lunch at a Mexican restaurant.  She is a NICU nurse and has seen and held dying babies.  She gets it, as much as anyone who has not experienced loss personally can understand.  For these reasons I was able to break my 'no baby shower' rule and volunteered to help out.  And it's not bothering me like it would have a year ago.  I don't feel the need to remind everyone that my baby died.  I can honestly say that I am expecting her baby (a boy) to be born healthy and it doesn't make me jealous.  I don't mind buying him a gift or celebrating his arrival before he arrives.  It's just ok.  It's what people do. 

I'm so grateful and happy that Livia is thriving.  Now that it's summer again, I am constantly reminded of last summer and how I was just so unsure if she was going to be ok.  I can finally say that it feels like she is "mine" and I am not just waiting for her to die or expecting the worst.  Of course I still worry, still make sure she is breathing when she is sleeping, and know all too well that at any moment our lives could be turned upside down, but I'm not sitting around waiting for it to happen. 

It's getting harder to take these pictures each month