one week ago

Exactly a week ago I was walking up to the doctor’s office, a little nervous, but still clueless.  It’s hard to believe how much can change in a week.  Fab. sadly said this morning.  “It’s been a week.  Then it’ll be a month, then a year…”  I know everyone will move on and we will move on too, but I will never forget that day, never forget the hopes and dreams we had for our daughter and for ourselves as parents.  If she couldn’t live a full life though, I am glad that she lived only inside of me.  I have to believe that she fulfilled her purpose in life and in death, even if I can’t see what that means right now. 

And me, who is left still breathing on this earth.  I have to do everything that she will never get to do.  I want to live a full life, stuffed with love and laughter and adventure and learning—all of the good, beautiful things that I wanted to teach her and experience with her.  That is the most  heartbreaking thing right now, but also gives me a little bit of hope, like I’ve been given another chance to get my life right, to live with more joy and more grace and more wisdom.  I look forward to the day when I wake up and feel those things, because right now I can’t get past my sorrow, my anger, my exhaustion.