traumatic birth and mommy friends

I really like the moms group I joined.  There are a few women I have really connected with and I want to be friends.  We are friends already, I guess.  I need support from people who are moms to infants, and it's wonderful to connect to other women who share similar parenting styles.  I am taking full advantage of my time as a stay at home mom--we go to playdates, story times, holiday parties, etc.  A few days ago we even went to a 'baby massage' class held at a local cloth diaper store.  It was fun, and afterwards some of us just hung around talking and looking at all the fun (expensive!) baby products they have.

 The conversation turned to birth as it tends to with a group of moms of young babies.  I was paying for some stuff so I wasn't really part of the conversation, and I'm glad.  It seems like most people have some kind of birth "trauma" they like to talk about.  Usually it's something like "oh, I labored for 36 hours and his head got stuck" or sometimes even more 'dangerous'  like low fluid or heart decelerations.  I'm not trying to diminish anyone's perception of their birth, because I can see how those things can seem traumatic.  But in this conversation, I will always "win" (not that I would ever use Kayla's death to one-up someone.)  A stillborn baby is the most traumatic birth.  It kind of ignites something in me when I hear people casually claiming that "I had a really traumatic birth" and then moving right on in the conversation.  If you have had something truly traumatic happen to you, you choose your words more carefully.  In those moments I do not share Kayla's story because she is more than just a passing anecdote.  

But if I want to truly be friends with some of these women (and I do), then I deserve to talk about Kayla with them as well.  I have shared her with two of the women, because the time was right.  I am able to share her story now in a controlled manner, whereas before, in my deep grief, it was all or nothing.  I don't feel guilty when I don't share and it doesn't make me unbearably sad to talk about her.  But sometimes it is hard to find the right time.  At the same time, it can be kind of freeing to just be a 'normal' mom--when I go to a playdate with moms I don't know that well, all they see is me and Livia.  They are not watching me as the mom of a dead baby.  I get to kind of re-invent myself. 

We leave for a big international trip in about 10 days,  so hopefully I can write about that soon...some anxieties about travel, about seeing my in-laws for the first time in two years (since before I was even pregnant with Kayla), how to share my grief and joy with them, being separated from my husband for 3 weeks, and just the general bits and pieces of packing and preparations.  Oh, and we are going to squeeze a weekend in with my parents, leaving tomorrow on the train.  Livia is becoming quite  the traveler.  Eventually I will do a 6 month update also!